Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
