A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
