I wish I could punch you in the face.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
