how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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