at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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