He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
