i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
