Soap is not a condiment
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
