He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
