I think I died a long time ago.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
