Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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