yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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