i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
