Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
