Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
