I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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