Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
