sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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