somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
