it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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