Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My breasts were aching with rage.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
