oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
