so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
