Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
