Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
