Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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