i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
