You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
