I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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