I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
