Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
