I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
