My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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