I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
