You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
