I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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