if i can run in heels then i can drive
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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