I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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