My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
