Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
