i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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