Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
