What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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