I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
