my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
