Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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