Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
