one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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