wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
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