what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize