I swear god or herbie drove my car home
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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