I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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