Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
