happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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