In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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